Tuesday, October 25, 2016

New Wikileaks Emails Exposes the Truth of Mainline Protestantism

Under the cover of darkness Wikileaks Dumped more than 2 million emails from Mainline Prostestant pastors exposing quarrels over capitalizations for calls to worship, hand wringing over week-to-week attendance and donations, and most of all the inane requests people asks from their pastors.  

Wikileaks spokesperson Jill Walters explained, "We were hoping for so much more from these emails.  We were hoping for scandal and hypocrisy.  For God's sake we were hoping for a crisis of faith.  But no, they were actually amazingly boring.  We didn't even read all of them.  In fact, we didn't even want to upload them to the wikileaks page but one of the interns clicked on the upload button instead of the trash button.  Oh well, we'll probably take them down tomorrow."  That didnt stop Rev. Bill Allen from worrying though, "I cannot believe they were able to hack my emails.  I mean I've turned off my Dell laptop every night since I got it in 2001.  How could they have accessed it?  I feel like so much of my private life has been exposed for the world to see.  Everyone now knows I lied about liking Ms. Franklin's meatloaf, that I don't think Marvin Becker should be in the choir, and that i think we use the definite article way too much in the bulletin.  This will ruin me I tell ya.  I hope you're happy now Assanged (sic)."  

The emails, although terribly inocuous, tedious, and circular point to a growing trend in Mainline Protestantism: malaise.  Dr. Dana Helper Trout, an expert in the field of struggling churches, explained that once Mainline Protestants adopted sabermatrics, first used in baseball and made famous by Bill James, for worship attendance, sermon effectiveness, singable hymnody, ushering speed, and performance lighting you can see the inward focus of Mainline Protestantism and its demise.  Dr. Helper-Trout's only hope, as she sees it, "is that these emails will get people to focus on what matters most: loving God, loving your neighbor, loving your enemy, and loving yourself. Once churches start discovering and ministering in their neighborhoods.  Once pastors start reaching out instead of worrying about the future then maybe we'll see some flourishing."  

Until then, who knows if Wilma Bettendorf's boiled bacon pancakes really are Rev. Smalls's favorite.  

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